


Not All The Same In The Dark

by Historical_Muse



Series: Andy Serkis/Sean Bean [1]
Category: British Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: AU, M/M, angsty romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 20:59:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Historical_Muse/pseuds/Historical_Muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Insecurity can strike <em>anyone...</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Not All The Same In The Dark

Bored, Sean sips his lager and surveys the bar listlessly.  He feels lost among all the unfamiliar faces, the pink and brown and black all merging into one bland whirl of skin.  There’s no-one here he knows, no well-known features that he can hang his gaze on:  no friendly visage that can save him from being overwhelmed by this sea of the unknown. 

He knows that he has no-one to blame but himself.  This is a bar for discreet liaisons and he’s here because he wants to be with someone he’s not sure he can have – and he thought that perhaps there might be someone here who could at least take their place in his bed and fantasies, if not in his heart, even if it’s only for one night.  Sean knows no-one he goes home with will run to the tabloids in the morning to tell all about “My Night of Lust with Sean Bean” and he feels safe in the knowledge of the unspoken rule that everyone keeps everyone else’s secrets at Georgia’s Place.  It’s rather like being in an exclusive AA meeting, but without the aid of the Twelve Steps recovery programme.

But now that he’s here he realises his mistake; there’s no-one he can see who even comes close to the one he actually wants, and he might as well be back with the rest of the cast in one of their regular drinking holes.  At least then there’d be a _chance_ of being with his current obsession.

And then his heart leaps as the door opens, letting in a rush of cool air and the sight he most wants to lay eyes on.  The intimate lighting doesn’t allow for much in the way of careful scrutiny and for a moment Sean feels like rushing over like a love-sick schoolboy, just to be sure that he’s not imagining this – but as a familiar slight figure in smart jeans, white shirt, and casual jacket ambles in and goes straight to the bar, Sean smiles.  There’s no mistaking that unassuming demeanour, that tussle of dark hair, the pale skin and those wide blue eyes.

He takes another gulp of lager and tries to still the pounding in his veins.  For all that some have said about him he can be a shy and reserved man, not given to open displays of affection in public – but now he wants nothing more than to be at that bar, even though he suspects that he’ll behave like a total twat when he gets there, talking nonsense nineteen to the dozen and imagining certain members of the Fellowship sucking in breath between their teeth and shaking their heads in mock dismay.

Light-headed and almost as excited as a schoolgirl at her first disco, Sean contemplates going over to say hello.  He’s trying to work out what this hobbit is doing here anyway – especially on his own – and then he remembers he’d casually mentioned the bar in the course of a downbeat conversation at one of Peter’s parties when he’d been feeling run-down and depressed and a warm smile and friendly eyes had offered him consolation.

A slight turn of the head in his direction tells Sean that the newcomer is aware of his indiscreet scrutiny.  _< What the hell,>_ grins Sean, swallowing the last of his lager before automatically straightening his tie and striding across the room.

“Hi!” he smiles, settling down on the next bar-stool and drinking in the welcome sight and the fragrance of a cool, citrus aftershave.  “What brings _you_ ‘ere?”

The answering grin almost melts him.  “I was at a loose end tonight and remembered what you said about this place.  And I thought – ‘yeah, sounds like somewhere interesting’, so here I am.”  A brief perusal of their surroundings and then another grin and a chuckle.  “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Let me,” Sean insists, waving away the proffered currency.  “Put your cash away; _I’m_ buyin’ tonight.  My treat.”

Wide blue eyes widen further in mock surprise.  “Why, Master Bean, you’re a gentleman and no mistake.  What have I done to deserve _this_?”

Sean laughs gently.  “Just a way of sayin’ thank you after you let me off-load all my problems on to you at Peter’s the other night.”

He receives a mischievously raised eyebrow and an old-fashioned look in response.  “I do believe that perhaps you’re no gentleman after all.  Are you trying to get me drunk?”

“Why would I want to do that?” Sean laughs, aware that they’re flirting and enjoying it.

Dark lashes flutter against pale cheeks as the bright gaze is lowered coyly.  “I’ve heard some _dreadful_ things about you…”

Sean grins wickedly and leans forward.  “Like what?”

“Well, they _do_ say…”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Barely two hours later they’re in the alley behind the bar, Sean pulling him in close and forcing him against rough brick as he grinds himself against the warm, pliant body.  Their arms wind furiously about each other, hands searching and grabbing and mouths reaching for fierce kisses.

Sean slides his hand down the other’s body and into his jeans, fingers enfolding the pulsing erection he finds and slowly stroking it, eliciting sharp cries of pleasure.  “My place?” he gasps into the dark tousled hair brushing his neck.

A low moan and then a guttural “ _Yes..._ ”

Conversation is difficult when all his mouth wants to do is explore the equally willing mouth beneath his own.  “Did you drive here?”

“No.  You?”

“Taxi...”  Sean drags himself away, looks back down the alley, and sees a car pull up.  “Shit, that’s lucky,” he gasps, spotting the illuminated sign on the car’s roof.  Reluctantly he releases the hard prick he’s been cradling and draws his companion down towards the street.  “A fuck _is_ okay?” he asks, suddenly anxious about not sounding too forward.

A warm, firm hand brushes against the bulge in Sean’s groin.  “ _More_  than okay…”

Sean nods and smiles, stroking his companion’s ruffled hair.  “Come on then, ‘obbit,” he says softly.  “Before we _both_ lose our nerve…”

*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

Nearly a month has passed and Sean’s frame of mind has brightened considerably.  He no longer feels alone, knowing now that his feelings are returned in full measure – and have been for some time.  Both of them have other commitments and know that this relationship is unlikely to continue as anything other than a warm friendship once filming is over; but for the time being these illicit meetings are what help to get him – get them _both_ – through the darker days and nights of filming.  When he’s tired and bone-weary and he just doesn’t want to do this any more, memories of unexpectedly gentle, romantic liaisons and hot, sweaty sex and the promises of more are usually all he needs to refresh him and lighten his mood.  Remembering those sky-blue eyes and always, always, the ready laughter and open affection brings a smile to his face and a lively, more positive spring to his step.

How it had all begun still remains something of a mystery.  Shared interests and similar work experiences had led to no more than friendship until Sean had realised the extra spark he’d noticed between them had been a wholly unexpected sexual attraction.  A temptation that he’d fought with little real success until that fateful night at Georgia’s Place when he’d discovered that the attraction was a reciprocated one, shyly acknowledged on both sides.  Neither of them had expected to find themselves in this situation and for Sean at least the very concept of fucking a man would’ve been unthinkable until now.  They were a strange couple, he knew that all too well – and yet in other ways it seemed oddly fitting that they should have found themselves together; although to the best of Sean’s knowledge they have so far managed to conduct their affair in such a way that no-one would ever know they were an item.  He knew that his blatant flirting with certain other members of the cast and crew made his lover uncomfortable, but at least it had been successful so far in throwing others off their scent.  Especially as gossip was rife in such a close-knit community as theirs.

His _lover_.  It feels strange to be thinking of _him_ in those terms, but to Sean’s continued surprise it feels _good_.  With a smile Sean remembers their initial clumsiness and wonders how they ever managed to work out how to fuck each other in the first place.  Neither of them had exactly been overly experienced or knowledgeable when it came to the technical aspects of making love with another man; but through mutual love and lust and the occasional assistance from alcohol they’d learned all they needed to know to give themselves pleasure and satisfaction.  The rest is pure instinct.

He remembers motel and hotel rooms and car seats and remote scenic places and bedrooms and lounges and anywhere else they knew they wouldn’t be found.  Remembers lots of swearing and riotous laughter and sheer, unbridled playfulness.  Remembers the unforeseen pleasures to be found in caressing a hard, male body and the sensation of the unexpectedly well-developed muscles moving under his hands; of feeling rough stubble against his skin and beneath his lips; of taking someone else’s hot, pulsing cock into his hands and mouth:  of taking that final, terrifying step of penetrating another man’s body and discovering how easy it was with _this_ man – and that he couldn’t get enough of burying his prick in that warm, welcoming arse.

And he knows that it’s exactly the same for his lover...

So what _could_ _possibly_ go wrong?

*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

Sean pushes his hand through his hair, sweat-soaked from an afternoon spent at his place making love, and directs a wicked, feral leer at the figure lying beneath him.  “You’re a randy little git, aren’t you...”

He receives an innocent smile in return.  “You’re complaining?”

Sean laughs, tousling the hair of the lover playing Little Red Riding Hood to his Big Bad Wolf.  “How _can_ I when you’ve got my dick in your ‘and?  _Ouch_!” he adds, as the warm, lubed hand caressing the firm, slick length of him suddenly squeezes hard.  The hand resumes its caresses, getting him hard with nonchalant ease – and Sean growls softly in his throat.  “Okay,” he murmurs, grinding his hips.  “That does it.  You’re being a very bad boy and it’s about time I taught you some manners...”

His reply is a mischievous gurgle of laughter.  “Ooh – promises, promises...!”

And then the laughter becomes a gasp leading into a low, throaty moan of pleasure as Sean grasps and raises his lover’s legs, positions himself and then pushes in up to the root, thrusting home until nothing matters but the limbs wrapped around his body, the body moving beneath his, the tongue plundering his mouth and the tight, sweet arse enveloping his cock:  until all thought ceases and only pleasure remains.

Sean grunts and thrusts frantically as he comes, feeling semen spattering his chest as his lover follows close behind.  “Elijah...oh fuck, Elijah...” he gasps, collapsing on his beloved’s body as he winds his fingers into his hair and pants raggedly into his neck.

His lover tenses beneath him.  “ _What_ did you just call me?”

Sean is still too dazed to take anything in just yet.  “Hmm?” he says drowsily, not yet aware of his _faux pas_.  “ _What_?”

Now the voice is terse and monotone.  “What did you just call me...”

“What did I just call you?”  He shakes his head, bemused.  “Sorry, I –”

“‘Elijah’.  You just called me ‘Elijah’.”

“I – _what_?  Oh Christ –”  _< Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Idiot!  You fucking idiot, Bean!_>

“What’s the matter, Sean...”  The voice is icy, harsh.  “Can’t you even remember my fucking name, now?”

“Oh Jesus fuck...”  Sean is mortified, rushes to soothe with soft kisses and stroking fingers.  “Oh _fuck_.  Jesus, Andy.  I’m so sorry, I –”

Andy’s voice is glacial now.  He pulls free the hand that Sean has taken hold of in an attempt to pacify him.  “Get the fuck away from me, Sean...”

Regretfully, Sean obeys and watches in dismay as Andy rolls away from him, turning his back and covering his head with his arms.  Even as Sean is shivering with a mixture of shame and afterglow he can’t help but admire the muscular back and clearly defined arm muscles on display as Andy shifts under the covers.

< _At least he’s still here,_ > Sean reasons, almost with relief.  < _At least he’s still in my bed._ >

“What the fuck was I thinking, getting involved with you...” Andy is muttering, an unexpected self-loathing in his voice.  “I should’ve known it wasn’t really _me_ you were interested in.  I mean, what a fuckin’ joke _that_ would be.  But _Elijah_ , for Christ’s sake – he an’ Billy are so settled an’ he’s just a baby!  Thinking with your dick isn’t a good move, Sean.”

“I _wasn’t_ thinkin’ of Elijah, Andy.”

Andy rolls back to face Sean, his eyes wide and disbelieving.  “Wha-you...  D’you think I’m fucking _stupid_ or something?” he barks.  “You’re shagging my arse so hard you’d think you hadn’t a minute to live – and then when you come it’s _Elijah’s_ name you’re shouting?  _Please_ don’t insult my fucking intelligence.”

“I wasn’t thinkin’ of _Elijah_ ,” Sean persists quietly.  “Not in the way you mean.”

“But you _were_ thinking about him...”

“Not like you think.”

“You were thinking about him when you were fucking me, you cunt.  You’d got your cock so far up my arse I thought you’d take root there – _and all the time you were thinking of fucking Elijah Wood_.”

Sean closes his eyes and swallows hard.  “Andy – fer Christ’s sake...  You know ‘ow it is when you’re comin’ – your mind goes AWOL an’ it fills up wi’ all kinds of shit.  I’m on-set wi’ Elijah tomorrow an’ ‘is face just flitted into my mind.  It’s totally innocent, Andy.  I just got distracted.”

“‘ _Distracted_ ’ my arse...”  By now Andy is sitting up, a bundle of furious nervous energy.  “You weren’t fuckin’ _distracted_.  It’s _Elijah_ you want, not me.  Why not at least be a man and fuckin’ admit it?”

Sean wraps his arms around his torso, trying to decide if he’s shivering with cold or with fear.  “I want _you_ , Andy.  Elijah’s okay, an’ ‘e’s a great kid, but that’s just it:  ‘e’s a _kid_.  Like you say, ‘e’s only a boy.  An’ I don’t want a boy, Andy.  It’s a _man_ I want.  A man.  Not some pretty boy ‘oo’s still learnin’ ‘ow to fuck properly.  I want someone ‘oo knows what ‘e’s doin’.”

“I don’t believe you!” Andy exclaims in frustration before he hurls himself out of bed.

Even though he knows this isn’t the time to be doing so, Sean is admiring the compact, powerfully-built man pacing beside the bed.  < _Our bed…_ > Sean reminds himself with a start, trying not to feel intimidated by Andy’s despondency.  < _Where I’ve sucked your cock an’ you’ve sucked mine an’ I’ve fucked you until neither of us was able to move an’ we couldn’t work out where Sean began and Andy ended..._ >

“You have to believe me,” Sean replies quietly.  “It’s the truth.”  < _Oh Christ,_ > he winces.  < _Why can’t I say something that doesn’t sound so_ shit _?_ >

Andy raises his fists to his head, clenching and unclenching them in exasperation.  “Why must you treat me like some kind of idiot, Sean?  I’ve often wondered what it was you saw in me when you’d got all those makeup girls and Christ knows what sniffing round and you could’ve taken your pick.”  He stops and looks directly at Sean.  “Oh, I can see it now.  You just thought I’d be good for a laugh, I suppose.”  He sounds hurt, rejected, and very vulnerable.

Sean studies Andy for a moment, tries to determine exactly what emotions are at play here.  The answers he comes up with surprise him.  Andy’s no rampant ego monster; he’s surprisingly reserved and modest, considering his talent – but all the same Sean would never have ascribed low self-esteem to him...and yet here he is, showing all the signs of needing to be reassured.  Like some frightened little boy.

Not good, Sean thinks.  This isn’t the Andy he knows and – yes – loves.  Andy’s been on his own too long and too often during this shoot.  _Fuck_ method acting – isolation can mess with your head if you let it and maybe playing Gollum’s been getting to Andy more than he cares to admit.  What’s that line of Gollum’s?  “You don’t _have_ any friends!  Nobody likes _you!_ ”  Maybe by being alone so much _Andy’s_ starting to believe it, too.

“I’m not doing this for a laugh,” Sean says softly.

But Andy’s decided that he’s no fool.  “I’m not stupid,” he sneers, not even trying to hide the hurt in his voice now.  “You wanted Elijah, and I’m the nearest thing you could get, right?  Yeah, well, I guess we’re a bit the same.  Same blue eyes, dark hair, strangers to sunlight, both of us short-arses...”

Suddenly the bitterness erupts and Andy is glowering, curling his fists once more.  But Sean’s not afraid of him; instead he wishes he could take the younger man in his arms and soothe him.

“...Only you know I’m not him because I’m too fucking ugly an’ I’m hairy an’ he ‘isn’t and I’m old enough to be his fucking father.  Still, what does it matter to you, eh?  You’re an actor, you’re good at pretending.  Well, so am I; you pretend I’m Elijah, and I’ll pretend I’m him for you – and while I’m at it I’ll pretend you’re a decent human being who does actually care about me and not a total shit who wanted to fuck someone else but had to settle for me.  After all, we’re all the same in the dark, aren’t we?”

Sean shakes his head, fixes Andy with calm eyes.  “That’s _bollocks_ , Andy, an’ you know it.”

“Oh _do_ I...”

Sean’s voice is soft, gentling.  “Come back to bed, Andy.”

“Fuck off.”

“Andy, come back to bed.”  Sean pulls back the covers and indicates the empty space beside him with an open hand.  “Come back an’ lie down wi’ me, eh?  Come an’ let me ‘old you – keep you warm.  Come _on_ , you daft git.”

For a moment, Sean thinks Andy is going to start bellowing at him again and holds his breath.  Instead, wary eyes study him, and then Andy simply stares, as cautious as Gollum at the Forbidden Pool.  “Yeah, all right then,” he says at last, head bowed, and voice empty of emotion.  He pads back to the bed and lies down at Sean’s side as Sean folds the covers back over him and lays his arm across Andy’s collarbone.

Sean rests his cheek gently against Andy’s shoulder and closes his eyes, hardly daring to breathe in the silence that follows as he listens to Andy’s heartbeat, feeling the uneven rise and fall of his chest under his forearm.

“Sorry,” Andy says softly after a few more moments.  “I just lost it a bit, there.  I still just find all this a bit...strange.”

“You think I _don’t_?” Sean exclaims with a laugh that’s partly a sob of relief.

“I just thought...because Elijah...I mean, with the best will in the world it would be easier to imagine you’re with a woman when you’re with him.  He’s all smooth and slim and giggles.  And I’m not.”

“Is that what you think I want?  To be able to imagine I’m wi’ a woman when I’m fuckin’ a bloke?”

“Well _isn’t_ it?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Andy!”  Sean captures Andy’s hands in one of his and pins them over Andy’s head.  To his surprise, Andy goes quietly, allowing Sean the opportunity to marvel at the man’s amazing upper-body development.  His free hand traces the curves and sinews and the thatch of hair leading down to Andy’s groin, before sliding over a firm thigh to cup his balls, relishing their heaviness against his fingers.

_After all, we’re all the same in the dark, aren’t we?_

_God_ , no.  Thank Christ.

When he speaks again, Sean’s voice is low and unconsciously seductive against Andy’s ear.  “If it _were_ a woman I wanted there are plenty ‘ere as I could take a shine to, like you said.  But I don’t want a woman.  I want a man.  An’ I _mean_ a man, not a boy.  I don’t want to fuck someone I could almost pretend was a woman – I want to _know_ it’s a man I’m shaggin’.  I want someone as _feels_ like a bloke.”

“Ooh, you romantic old smoothie, you!”  Andy chuckles as Sean gently releases his hands, but there’s still uncertainty in his voice.  “That’s a refreshingly traditional view you’ve got there.”

“I don’t fucking care.  I _mean_ it, Andy.”

Andy thinks for a while, running his hands over long, lean limbs and broad shoulders, fingers tracing the letters of the Sheffield United tattoo on one firm bicep, and then coming to rest on slim hips that could have been made just for him to grip during sex.  And he knows _exactly_ what Sean means.  “Yeah,” he replies quietly, licking a stray droplet of sweat from Sean’s temple.  Because he’s been thinking just the same.  “That’s what I want, too.”

Sean sighs and brushes Andy’s sweat-soaked curls away from his forehead.  “I love you, you stupid fucker.  Though Christ knows why.  Why am I saddled wi’ a daft wanker like you, Andy?”

Brow softening, Andy grins, burying his fingers in Sean’s blonde thatch.  “Your choice,” he replies.  “Nobody twisted your arm.”

“So why are you wi’ _me_?”  The question is met by silence and the broadest of schoolboy grins from Andy.  “Eh?”  Grinning back, Sean punches Andy’s bicep gently with his fist.  “What’s up, Andrew?  Cat got your tongue, ‘as it?”

In reply, Andy reaches up and pulls Sean down on top of him, parting his legs so that the older man can lie between them and then sliding his hands down to squeeze Sean’s taut buttocks.  “Why do _you_ think I’m wi’ you?” he asks, mimicking Sean’s Sheffield brogue to perfection as he grinds against Sean’s loins.

Sean’s smile is playful and affectionate, feeling himself hardening rapidly through Andy’s attentions.  “I don’t know.  You tell me.  But I’m wi’ _you_ because I love you, you daft cunt.”

Andy’s face brightens into a dazzling smile of relief.  “I love you too, you old sod.  Want me to prove it?”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

“So – is that what you want me to do?”

Sean laughs.  “What do _you_ think?”

Andy’s smile is glorious, and Sean knows there’s mischief a-plenty being brewed behind those bright blue eyes.  “C’mere, then...”

And then there’s nothing but laughter, kisses, and soft moans as Sean obeys and Andy proceeds to do exactly as he promised...

~THE END~


End file.
